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Door to Door Missionaries |
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Written by Dtya York
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Tuesday, 14 October 2008 |
I've been plagues for a couple of years by "door to door missionaries"...
First I said no thank you, but they kept coming...
In sets of two...Sometimes they were the same...
Sometimes it was new recruits...
Then I told them I was baptized Catholic and was a Native American so either way my ass was covered...
They kept coming...
I'd see them come up the walk, turn off all the lights and hide...
They were relentless...
Twice a week, every week...
Never on the same day...
They were trying to confuse me...
It started to feel like a "Cult" was stalking me...
Creepy dudes...Always in sets of two...
Skinny, anorexic looking...
Maybe the Cult's not feeding them...
Never a fat one and never a woman...
Probably keeping the women for breeding purposes tied up somewhere...
All with short hair, cut in an old 50's men's style...
Wearing pressed slacks, white starched shirt, with little backpacks on their backs...
They probably kept peoples hearts in those backpacks...
I was convinced they were after my organs...
I pretended I couldn't speak English..."No Comprende"...
So, they spoke Spanish to me, I don't speak Spanish...
I'd bluffed and lost...
They were on to me and my attempts to avoid them...
They started coming 3 times a week...
I tried being rude, didn't work...
I tried being verbally abusive, which I do very well, didn't work...
I tried not answering the door, they kept banging...
They'd leave after 4 minutes of no answer, and I thought I was safe...
Nope, they circled the block and came back to try again...
In good weather, they would walk or ride their little 3 speed bicycles...
They showed up in the rain, and in the snow...
Only below 0 temps kept them away...
Maybe they were afraid the harvested organs would freeze and be unusable...
Living in Minnesota, I got a 2 month break during the coldest months...
Then they came back,like a swarm of locusts...
Sometimes they would stop on the walk and talk in lowered voices before they came up to the door...
They were planning a means of attack...
I asked a cop what to do about it...
He said welcome to the neighborhood..
I entertained the thought of moving...
But I'd heard they were in other neighborhoods...
I tried following them once, to see where their cult headquarters were...
They saw me parked in my car and started to approach me...I sped away...
Murder was out of the question, there are too many of them...
The NO solicitation sign on my door never worked...
The "Beware of HUGE Dogs" sign didn't either...
I even had an "Attack Cat" sign, it didn't deter them...
I left the porch decorated throughout the year in creepy scary Halloween stuff...
Life sized witches, headless corpes, skulls, spider webs...They kept coming...
I started dressing Pagan and Gothic...
Pale makeup, black lipstick, dressed all in black, skull jewelry, a pentacle around my neck...
My husband thought of leaving me, but they kept coming...
All my husband would do is tell me "Ignore them, they'll go away"...
He was no help...
He wasn't there during the day..
They weren't after HIS organs...
His organs are corroded by KFC, pizza, beer and chocolate...
They caught me one day, right there on the porch getting the mail...
I was cornered...For some reason, I told them I was Buddhist...
One of them said to me, and I quote...
"Buddha's dead"...
This caught me by total surprise...I was stunned...
I said "I beg your pardon"...
"Buddha's dead" he replied...
Now I'm not the brightest crayon in a box, but this made me laugh my ass off...
When I recovered my composure and wiped away the tears of laughter,
I moved up close to this guy and said "I don't see Jesus walking the streets of Mankato"...
They backed off the porch and walked away...
I haven't seen any of them since...
Praise the Lord...
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